I should really be sleeping right now……I find myself complaining about my lack of sleep and spiritual depravity, yet I do nothing about it. It’s not like this is new. I think we all need to go through crappy phases in order for us to learn and push forward. It just depends on the person’s heart, how long are we willing to put up with the hardening and the callousing of our souls before we allow God to move in and through our lives? Why do we wait?
I must admit, I haven’t blogged in a while because I felt like I had nothing to say. Which is untrue because I find myself always wanting a real conversation so I can say whatever it is I want to say. I may not be as eloquent as I would like to be, but right now, in this particular moment, these words are what I have to offer.
The past few weeks have been draining….to say the least. Physically, spiritually, and mentally draining. I’ve been working double shifts 6 days a week, haven’t been reading my bible, and haven’t took time out to reflect. I feel like I was there, but I wasn’t really there. There were certain moments in which I came alive but then I drowned into the world again. I hate how I have to sell shoes and deal with grumpy customers instead of going to bible study. I hate how I cant seem to talk to my best friends the way I really want to, the way I really need to. I hate how easily I fall into the same temptations over and over again. I hate how I feel like a failure, which is most of the time. I hate how I don’t understand His plan. And I hate how I can’t even think of a good reason why I’m going. Why do I not know anymore? Am I really that forgetful? Probably.
If you’re still reading, I’m sorry. I…just can’t think of any structured way of saying everything I’m thinking or feeling right now. I’ve had too many things put on hold in my head that I feel like it just wants to explode out of me. Sad to say, but work and tv have basically taken over my life. I know I sound like a total loser and I really am. I work too much and I don’t get paid enough, I am freakin angry and sad so I choose to watch tv to fill my time. I’m supposed to be saving up, but I’ve been spending like crazy because I don’t even know why I’m going. I need God. But there seems to be way too many things between us. I want to reach out but I don’t. On the other hand, coworkers have been an interesting part of my life. There are the few who’s so hungry for truth, they call me up and ask me questions for hours (while I feel like a total hypocrite) and there are the most who wants to make me lose faith in humanity. Okay maybe that’s a little exaggerated but…I don’t know if I can smile and truly love my enemies. Mannn. Thinking about this makes me really want to call in sick for tomorrow. Hmmm. Maybe I will…I do need reflection time. I know God wants to change my life NOW. Not when I go or whenever I feel like obeying, but right now. I know He’s calling out my name and my heart is slowly turning. I know I’m tired and He can give rest. I know that. But why am I choosing not to move forward? Why do I choose to listen to my doubts and insecurities? This cycle frustrates me. I learn and I forget.
Last Monday, I went to Passion world tour at gm place. And after reading so many stories of encouragement and healing, I can’t help but be bitter because of what I felt and experienced there. It wasn’t the speaker or the worship or the conference itself. It was the fact that in the midst of 7000 young adults in Vancouver, I felt so alone. I kept raising my hands as high as I could until I couldn’t anymore. I looked like a fool trying to reach up to heaven but got nothing. I tried to sing as loud as I could but one voice can’t overpower 7000. I felt helpless and on my way home alone in the skytrain, I blocked myself from thinking simply because I don’t want to have to relive it all again in my mind. I shut off the world and cut off my wrist band. I didn’t pray. I didn’t go home downloading the new songs I just heard. I didn’t open my bible.
Anyways, I think I’ll stop venting. I’m sorry my life sucks right now. I’ll write again soon.
till next time friends, arby.