Deep breath; and go.

•February 19, 2009 • Leave a Comment


It’s finally come to this time.

You’ve brought me this far and here I am, getting ready to take another step forward. Another step closer to You, Your heart, Your will. I want to let You know I’m giving You all of me. No more half-heartedness or division, I am Yours. Just as You’ve brought so many people and so many blessings to fill my life with encouragement and love, I bring myself to You as a pleasing sacrifice. Please make sure my heart is prepared for whatever is about to come, I’m scared because I expect nothing else, I have no idea, all I know is You will be with me. Please give me peace, knowing You are in control and You will watch over my loved ones in this side of the world. Please give me wisdom in my state of independence, I long to be as holy as You.


So I’ll take a deep breath now. I’ll sleep and wake up ready to face this new world with You. I love You.




•November 2, 2008 • 1 Comment

– I think this is my record; to finish a whole series in 5 days. Twilight.

For halloween, I dressed as a garden gnome which resulted in me getting more tips from old people who thoroughly enjoyed my outfit and enthusiasm lol.

– In actuality, I was a super dwende. (You know like the ones in filipino movies with magic?)

– I’m turning 19 in 14 days.

– I’m leaving for Philippines in 43 days.

– I’m leaving for New Zealand in 91 days.

– I don’t have enough money for anything because I suck at saving!

– To roadtrip or not to roadtrip? That is the question.

– I also always get the crappiest days off, like a Tuesday or a Wednesday grrrrr.

– I need more fashion inspiration, people link me more blogs to read or pictures to see!

– I have now decided that…Autumn is my favorite season 🙂

– This song reminds me of someone in my future..if you catch my drift, we’ll be doing a duet like this for suuure 🙂

Ok that’s all from me today. I’m sleeeeepy and I dont want to waste my extra hour of  much needed sleep tonight. BE BLESSED.


•October 14, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I should really be sleeping right now……I find myself complaining about my lack of sleep and spiritual depravity, yet I do nothing about it. It’s not like this is new. I think we all need to go through crappy phases in order for us to learn and push forward. It just depends on the person’s heart, how long are we willing to put up with the hardening and the callousing of our souls before we allow God to move in and through our lives? Why do we wait?

I must admit, I haven’t blogged in a while because I felt like I had nothing to say. Which is untrue because I find myself always wanting a real conversation so I can say whatever it is I want to say. I may not be as eloquent as I would like to be, but right now, in this particular moment, these words are what I have to offer. 

The past few weeks have been draining….to say the least. Physically, spiritually, and mentally draining. I’ve been working double shifts 6 days a week, haven’t been reading my bible, and haven’t took time out to reflect. I feel like I was there, but I wasn’t really there. There were certain moments in which I came alive but then I drowned into the world again. I hate how I have to sell shoes and deal with grumpy customers instead of going to bible study. I hate how I cant seem to talk to my best friends the way I really want to, the way I really need to. I hate how easily I fall into the same temptations over and over again. I hate how I feel like a failure, which is most of the time. I hate how I don’t understand His plan. And I hate how I can’t even think of a good reason why I’m going. Why do I not know anymore? Am I really that forgetful? Probably.

If you’re still reading, I’m sorry. I…just can’t think of any structured way of saying everything I’m thinking or feeling right now. I’ve had too many things put on hold in my head that I feel like it just wants to explode out of me. Sad to say, but work and tv have basically taken over my life. I know I sound like a total loser and I really am. I work too much and I don’t get paid enough, I am freakin angry and sad so I choose to watch tv to fill my time. I’m supposed to be saving up, but I’ve been spending like crazy because I don’t even know why I’m going. I need God. But there seems to be way too many things between us. I want to reach out but I don’t.  On the other hand, coworkers have been an interesting part of my life. There are the few who’s so hungry for truth, they call me up and ask me questions for hours (while I feel like a total hypocrite) and there are the most who wants to make me lose faith in humanity. Okay maybe that’s a little exaggerated but…I don’t know if I can smile and truly love my enemies. Mannn. Thinking about this makes me really want to call in sick for tomorrow. Hmmm. Maybe I will…I do need reflection time. I know God wants to change my life NOW. Not when I go or whenever I feel like obeying, but right now. I know He’s calling out my name and my heart is slowly turning. I know I’m tired and He can give rest. I know that. But why am I choosing not to move forward? Why do I choose to listen to my doubts and insecurities? This cycle frustrates me. I learn and I forget.

Last Monday, I went to Passion world tour at gm place. And after reading so many stories of encouragement and healing, I can’t help but be bitter because of what I felt and experienced there. It wasn’t the speaker or the worship or the conference itself. It was the fact that in the midst of 7000 young adults in Vancouver, I felt so alone. I kept raising my hands as high as I could until I couldn’t anymore. I looked like a fool trying to reach up to heaven but got nothing. I tried to sing as loud as I could but one voice can’t overpower 7000. I felt helpless and on my way home alone in the skytrain, I blocked myself from thinking simply because I don’t want to have to relive it all again in my mind. I shut off the world and cut off my wrist band. I didn’t pray. I didn’t go home downloading the new songs I just heard. I didn’t open my bible.

Anyways, I think I’ll stop venting. I’m sorry my life sucks right now. I’ll write again soon.

till next time friends, arby.


•September 9, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I can’t. live. life. alone.

I can’t. do this. without You.

I can’t.

I need You.

In every part. in every moment.

My heart longs. for You.

I’m broken. just as You want me to be.

I’m desperate. for You.

Fill me. clean me.

Mold me. change me.

I live because YOU live.

I have because YOU give.

Let my life be. Yours.

I’m never gonna stop. trying.

To fill myself. with false worth.

I get beat down. but I get picked up.

Again. and again.

You carry me. through it all.

I’m never gonna stop. forgetting.

You’re there. You choose to love me anyway.

Jesus. I need You.

Open my heart. make it beat.










So here I am. with sin in my hands.



•August 25, 2008 • Leave a Comment

note to self:
you’ll only know where you’re going if you keep going.


….only fall back on everlasting arms.


•August 19, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I love Gabe Bondoc. I love love songs. I love Gabe Bondoc’s love songs.

I admit I haven’t listened to these kinds of songs for a while…so for today, Parachute Band/Rooney/Coldplay/Hillsong/Starfield are put on hold. I hope you enjoy these youtube vids as much as I did *insert dreamy girly sigh*

till next time friends,
– arby


•August 14, 2008 • 1 Comment

You are holy, great and mighty
The moon and the stars, declare who You are
I’m so unworthy, but You still love me
Forever my heart will sing of how great You are….

I’ve been reading a lot of literature these past few days, especially American and Canadian. The author who intrigues me the most is Jane Austen. While reading her novels, I couldn’t help but smile and laugh at her wit and ingenious use of words. I therefore imagined her life to be beautiful, filled with intelligence, and of course happyness. I became so interested in her life that I didn’t even bother to finish reading her other two novels. I went to the library and the internet and looked up as much as I could about Jane Austen and her private life. I was so excited but after all the research, I must admit that I was very disappointed. Her life was nothing like I imagined it to be, in fact, it was quite the opposite. All her stories of romance and hope were opposite to her own unrequited love and bitterness. Her writing and brilliance left her to die rich, but alone. She lived her life through closely observing her own culture and then writing out what her imagination brings..what she wishes she would have had. I wonder how people, so brilliant, could not bring themselves to imagine or comprehend a God that loves unconditionally. Jane Austen, with all her optimistic understanding of love and hope, did not even see its existence in Christ.

Anyways, I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I just wanted to mention it because it’s something I’ve been thinking about. Jane Austen, Margaret Laurence, Mordecai Richler, James Franco, and some of the other brilliant minds I’ve been reading about…all who wrote so truthfully and elegantly, yet they didn’t see life for what it really is: Hopeful. I also watched The Dark Knight again and I must say, it was as good if not better than the first time I watched it. My friends have been trying to get me to read the Batman comics, and maybe I will. I’m reading this Sushi book right now and it’s not as interesting as I thought it would be…

In other aspects, I’m officially finished my first year of college. It’s been a bumpy first year, but I made it out alive. Since I’m finished school, that means it’s also the beginning of my School-YEAR-off. Pray for me as I try to find a stable full time job! I need one that would allow me to save enough money for YWAM and Trinity next year. I’m still pretty much in awe of how everything worked out….I’m excited and so grateful for my God who loves to bless His children abundantly.

Till next time friends,
 – arby